When Jason would go to visit his Father after the divorce on weekends, he always felt a bit strange about the whole thing. He was 15 years old and knew that his mother and father had broken up because of his dad cheating and alcoholism. His mother did not want him to visit at all, but the courts had ruled that he had to. Also, Jason loved his father and wanted to spend some time with him. What Jason found out, however, was that his Dad’s addictions had grown out of control.

Every weekend when Jason visited, the situation was the same. His Dad would drop him off at a movie or to meet friends, and then would come back to pick him up later in the night at a specified time. The familiar scent of booze would be on his breath, and he would usually have a different woman sitting in the passenger seat. Jason would go ahead and climb in, and dread the ride home.

Not only was Jason worried about his dad driving while drunk, he would also have to field the regular discomfort of having a strange woman asking him questions as though she actually cared. He was polite and answered the questions, but he secretly hated the woman. He felt she was the source of his father’s problems. It never dawned on him a week later that the woman was a different one. He simply saw the endless string of women as a single woman, and they were all the same to him in that way.

They would get home and then his Dad would either bring her back to his bedroom or go to her house, and Jason would not see them again. He might here them laughing or having sex when they stayed there, but he did his best to drown it out.

This story is typical of many, but is a story of sex addiction and alcohol. Jason was a friend of mine, and he ended up an alcoholic himself. Worse still, he grew up with a complete disrespect for women regardless of who they were. There is no doubt that observing his father’s alcoholism and sex addictions drove this in him, and in many ways ruined his life.

This highlights exactly why we have to be careful about the people our children are around, including ourselves if we are addicts of any kind. When you have the cocktail of alcoholism and sex addiction, you can be particularly destructive to your children if you go unchecked.

Both of these addictions are treatable and can be stopped, but your children have to be kept clear of them if possible. If you know someone in this situation, do what you can to remove the child from the situation. Get help for them from somewhere. My buddy Jason never got that help, and died at a young age miserable and unhappy. It is a shame that nobody stepped in for him before it was too late.

When you find out your significant other has a hidden addiction, you often encounter major trust issues. Why could they not tell me about it? Why do they hide this? How could they cheat on me? These are the types of questions that pop into your mind. This trust issue is one of the primary problems in overcoming this secret addiction, because many people simply can not get past the hurt. This is especially true with porn addiction and sexual addiction, as these are perceived as personal to the spouse. While the affairs certainly are personal to the spouse, the real truth is that sex is the byproduct of a different problem with the addict. They are seeking to fill up a part of their lives that is empty, and it has nothing to do with your bedroom.

So what do you do when you find a hidden addiction in your spouse? The first thing you should do is educate yourself on the addiction. It is nearly impossible to understand an addict and their behavior without first understanding why. There are countless addiction resources throughout the Internet that can do this for you, and a great place to start would be the Sober Sources Network. This great resource site has information on every addiction known.

Another thing you must do is talk with a counselor together. Trying to work it out alone is nearly impossible because you are speaking from two different places. One is an addict while the other is not. This means that you have to have mediation and someone that can keep the conversations productive. A great addiction therapist can work wonders in situations of surprise addictions in spouses.

Finally, you have to commit or walk away. Some spouses simply can not get past the addictive behavior and trust issues. Some are simply too angry to see that the addiction is a sickness and needs treatment. Regardless of why, sometimes the spouse of an addict has to walk away. The addict may not be willing to change, and this is another reason this happens. Addictive behaviors can be very powerful, and especially if they are done in secret.

If you discover a hidden addiction in your spouse, then you have a decision to make. Are you going to help or are you going to give up. Either way, you have to commit to your decision and follow through. The decision is never an easy one.

When you are drinking, everything loses meaning. It is much like the person that suffers from a lack of feeling. They have no empathy towards others nor do they feel guilt about anything. Alcohol gives you this sensation for a short time. Then you come down from it and many have a rush of these very emotions that are far worse than dealing with the feelings in the first place. Guilt, empathy and more guilt are the order of the day. Remember this horrible feeling before you drink and you might skip that drink. Nobody wants to feel those feelings and they are one of the few natural deterrents to drinking. Consider that the next time you are tempted to take a drink.

Another thing to remember is that feeling you get from conquering problems. There is a self assurance and pride that comes from dealing with problems without alcohol - especially for alcoholics. Sometimes you think you are not strong enough, but you are. You can overcome any problem if you are sober and give it enough thought. Think about the resources that are available to you and reach out to them. Try anything to solve your problem short of illegal activities and drinking. Every problem has a solution, and you are a strong person. You can do it.

Overcoming problems as an alcoholic is so hard because the alcoholic is used to just drinking their way through them. They will drink alcohol so that they do not care, and then wait for the problem to pass. Usually this only makes the problem worse, leading the addict to move on to even more alcohol. The cycle is complete. When things are really bad, the alcohol will do this with any problem at all, not only the tough ones. This is a serious situation that needs immediate attention.

Just remember that you are not alone in your battles. There are millions with the exact same problems as you and there are many that would love to talk about it. Find an addiction forum or alcohol forum and sign up. The two linked above are excellent choices. Talk it out, but whatever you do, do not reach for that bottle.

Drinking is not something that a child should be exposed to at a young age. Kids are very observant and they take their cues from the adults around them. If you are drinking in front of your kids, you may as well have a sign around the bottle that says it is okay for them. Telling a child that something is bad for them and then doing it anyway is very confusing for a child.

There is little doubt that alcohol is bad for us as a society. The numbers of alcoholics and sufferers of alcohol related health issues are alarming. Certainly there are those that drink in moderation or on the rarest of occasions. Responsible drinkers are certainly out there. Still, it is a product much like smoking in that it is unhealthy on the whole. Drinking creates addiction, and the addiction kills many people every single day either directly or indirectly.

Given this, why would we expose our children to alcohol early in life? Some say that explaining alcohol to their children early in life will help them to say no when the time comes. The truth is, that is only effective if you, yourself say no. When the children are looking and you are drinking, all the while telling your kids that they should not, you are sending them a very mixed signal. How hard would it be for a teen mind to twist that into “permission to drink this once” or other such notions?

If you are going to drink alcohol, please do so in a responsible fashion. Do not drink in front of your children whatever you do, and explain to them the dangers. If you do not, then we will be facing a society that is even more dangerous in the years to come. Your kids deserve to have the best chance to succeed and be healthy.

My Papaw was one of the most gentle men I had ever known. While he kept a gentle demeanor, he was one of the strongest men I had ever known. He would work a fourteen hour day six days a week like it was nothing. It was common to see my Papaw come home and sit down in his recliner and have a mixed drink, but it was far from alarming to us.

When we were little, all of the parents drank some. All of my Uncles, Aunts and extended family would get together often and have parties or get togethers. It was par for our course to spend weekends as a big group. All the kids would play while the adults would talk, party or just spend time together. It was a wonderful time in my life. The fact that Papaw had a drink now and then was completely lost on me and my cousins.

The reason we never really noticed it was because he was able to completely function without any signs of being drunk. Papaw was a master at hiding the fact that he was drunk. What we saw as gentle was also his way of not talking very much. As such, it was normal to all of us Grandkids. His daughters and wife knew, but they never shared that concern with us.

As we got older, it became more obvious that Papaw was an alcoholic. We were so confused as to what to do. Talking to him was kind of a waste of time at that point, because he had been drinking like this for close to sixty years. We kind of accepted the fact in many ways. Papaw never drove a car at that time and he was far than an unpleasant drunk in any way.

After all those years drinking, he died sitting in his easy chair one afternoon out of the blue. The listed cause was heart attack, but we knew the alcohol had caught up with him. His liver had to be on it’s last leg. We buried this wonderful troubled man with heartache and regret.

I often wonder what might of happened if we had realized that he was drinking much earlier in life. I question not having that conversation with him many times. The truth is, he fooled us. Do not assume that alcohol addiction is only present in those that are obvious. Even quiet and polite people can be alcoholics.

Papaw is gone now and I miss him very much. If you suspect that someone is fighting a silent battle with alcoholism, or you are fighting it yourself, do not hesitate to get some help. There are many forums out there if you are not wanting to talk to anybody in person yet. It can be a first step to speak with someone that has been where you are at. Find help somewhere, because alcoholism will not go away on its own.

Many people are seen having problems with the dangerous alcohol addiction while some seem to enjoy it. Besides both of these kinds there are people who seem worried and seeking all kinds of help to overcome alcohol addiction. The question I want to overcome alcohol addiction, please help me can be heard from many tongues so there is always an exception. People having alcohol problems are often seem to have drug problems as well. Only one form of treatment might just not be enough, let’s talk about a treatment that could cure the two addictions, alcohol and drugs.

An alcohol and drug centre can easily be found in every city for such people and also is highly recommended from professionals and doctors. Firstly you need to accept that alcohol addiction is not good at all, secondly you cannot underestimate the importance of such alcohol centers, no matter what, you have to give it a try. Whether it is you or it is a loved one of yours just walk in and consider all the options and ways you possibly can try to overcome alcohol addiction. Trying to overcome without any help and being on your own mostly fails and it has also been proved statistically. 75 percent of the people try and fail and then give up concluding that there is no solution and they simply have to live with alcohol for the rest of their lives; this act is totally wrong and negative.

Look for a good alcohol treatment centre and see what other people have to say about it, see how many people got helped from there and how many are currently attending its classes. Find a treatment centre that is good at curing both the problems, whether alcohol or drugs. After that have a visit and see the ways and equipments the treatment centre uses to help people out. Match the matter with your situation and requirements. Consider the fees, see if it is worth it or not because you would not want to waste money and get nothing out of it. Read their terms and requirements and the time span in which they can get you away from alcohol. You would find many expensive ones but look for the ones offering good services with reasonable prices.

Do not think of these centers as jails like most of the people do. Regular checks tell that most of these centers treat the addict no less then king or queens and make them feel really valuable. Alcohol would give you nothing more than death in the end so think about it.

]]> http://soberdad.com/?feed=rss2&p=57 http://soberdad.com/?p=55 http://soberdad.com/?p=55#comments Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:01:29 +0000 admin http://soberdad.com/?p=55 My Story

I was born & raised in a small Mormon community in Utah.
My Parent’s divorced when I was twelve.
My Mother, little sister and I moved to Federal Way Washington.
What an eye opener that was moving from the country to the big city.
I got drunk for the 1st time when I was 15 on MD 20/20.
I woke up the next morning missing 1/2 of my front tooth.
My buddy were trying to stop me from drinking anymore, I pulled the bottle
out of his hand and it hit me in the mouth. I was hooked from the begging.

Back then there were Heads & Jocks. I wasn’t into sports much so I ended up being a Head.
I spent more time out in the woods smoking dope & drinking than I did in school.
I did graduate only because girls did my home work for me.

I was married, divorced and married again by the age of 19 & moved back to Utah.
We had a baby coming & I had no ins. So I got a job working in the coal mines.
My drinking continued to get worse. When my son was born he had a Cerebral hemorrhage in the brain.
The docs didn’t give him any chance of surviving and was supposed to have surgery the next morning.
I begged God to let him live and I promised I would quit drinking.
Well, God did his part. My son did not have to have surgery. He is a Walking Miracle and
just turned 30.

I was ashamed for letting God down and felt like he didn’t want nothing to do with me.
Time passed and drinking got worse. I put my poor wife through hell for the next 13 years.
I would go to the store for a pack of smokes and wouldn’t come home for 2-3 days.
One time I ended up in Ventura California for 2 weeks.

When I moved back to Utah, my Father & I were making up for being separated for 7 years.
He was my fishing buddy. I had 6 sisters and 1 brother. My oldest sister was drinking and driving,
rolled her truck & died. A few years later my father passed away. Too much Vodka had destroyed
his organs. Still I continued to drink.

In 1990 my life was so unmanageable and I knew I needed help. I went to a rehab center. That was when I was introduced to AA and the 12 steps. I attended AA for 6 years & learned allot about myself and how to deal with life on life’s terms. I managed to stay sober for 8 years. Then, my only brother suddenly passed away, also alcohol related. He was my best bud, I couldn’t stand the pain and started drinking hard again. That drunk lasted for 5 years. It was so hard to put the drink down. I searched the internet and found a site called
the sobercity. Stayed sober for 2 years before slipping again. Since then I have had a few months here & a few months there. I know I don’t work the program like I should. I also know I can never enjoy drinking again It is poison to my body. In the past 18 years
I have been sober for 12. Better than nothing I guess.

I want to thank my beautiful wife for her love and support she has given me these past 31 years.

I know I should practice what I preach.
If you really want to get & stay sober, you can.
Just don’t go into it with half measures and hold on to those reservations like I do.

Alcohol facts.
Beer is 4 - 6% alcohol, wine coolers are 5 - 6%, wine is 10 - 14%, fortified wines (sherry, port) are 16 - 24%, distilled spirits are 40%, and a few distilled products are up to 75% alcohol. A drink contains 100 - 150 calories, so heavy drinking can replace a lot of your daily food intake, leading to poor nutrition, or add to weight problems.

It takes about 1 drink per 40 lbs. of body weight per hour to make your blood alcohol 0.08%, which is legally drunk in California. This is based on a standard drink of 1 beer, 4 oz. of wine, or 1.25 - 1.5 oz. of hard liquor (heavy drinkers typically increase the content of “1 drink” of hard liquor by 50 - 100%). You can get just as drunk on beer, wine, or spirits. The presence of ANY alcohol in your system is illegal if you are under 21. (1)

It is easier to ingest alcohol if it is sweetened. It gets into your bloodstream faster on an empty stomach or if the beverage is carbonated, and more slowly if you eat dairy products or fatty foods beforehand. That doesn’t reduce the alcohol in the bloodstream, it just slows down how fast it gets there. Men have more of an enzyme that breaks down alcohol before it gets to the stomach, so it is true that women are somewhat more affected by alcohol than men of equal weight.

Your body metabolizes about 1 drink per hour, no matter how big you are. Once the alcohol is in you there is nothing you can do (except vomit) to get it out of your body faster. Caffeine may wake you up, but you’re still drunk. At your size if you have five drinks in two hours you are legally drunk, and you might be before that. Your 150# friend only needs three drinks in two hours to be legally drunk. You are both significantly impaired well before then—so which one of you is going to drive? If you then drink one drink per hour you are still legally drunk. You are not a particularly safe driver when you are on the downward side of alcohol consumption, even if you are legal. Note that your drinks are likely to get stronger as you drink more if you are drinking hard liquor or making mixed drinks.
Blood alcohol of 0.5% is usually fatal. Almost impossible to do with beer or wine, it is usually caused by rapidly drinking hard liquor—a liter (a little more than 32 oz.) of hard liquor consumed rapidly will kill a 200 - 250# person. Your body has a strong tendency towards self-preservation, and you will likely vomit as you approach toxic levels of alcohol. But consumption of other drugs (especially marijuana) will reduce that tendency. That was a factor in the local death of a college boy last year–21 drinks after smoking pot. He was celebrating his 21st birthday. Assuming the drinks were 1.25 oz of liquor each, he consumed about 3/4 liter over a few hours and died in the presence of the friends who had been encouraging his drinking.

Death can also be caused by aspirating vomit while unconscious. If you haven’t vomited while still conscious, you are likely to pass out at about 0.3% blood alcohol, and if you end up on your back your life can be in danger. Pushing someone who has passed out over onto his or her side or face can prevent choking, but be careful—if they awaken while you are doing this they may become very agitated or violent because of their drunken disorientation.
Alcohol as a habit.

A light drinker doesn’t drink daily and doesn’t get drunk. A moderate female drinker drinks an average of one drink daily; a moderate male drinker drinks two; in both cases they might not drink every day. A heavy drinker drinks more than that, and usually drinks daily. (2)

A child whose parents are heavy drinkers OR who have always been abstinent is much more likely to drink heavily than one whose parents drink moderately. A boy whose father and grandfather drink heavily is many, many times more likely to drink heavily—one statistic I have seen is 900 times more likely than other boys. Whether this tendency has a genetic or environmental basis—or both—is a subject of debate. In my opinion children who see parents with a strong affinity for or a strong objection to alcohol are more likely to fixate on the drug than those whose parents have a more casual attitude about it. It shows the importance of lifestyle balance. It doesn’t mean that abstinence is a bad choice for anyone, nor does it mean that your parents’ drinking causes you to drink.

Alcohol use proceeds to abuse from Experimentation to Social Use to Habituation (regular, usually daily, drinking) to Chronic Drinking. This is not an inevitable progression, it is the continuum along which most people who drink find themselves. Binge Drinking is episodic heavy drinking, usually with intervals of abstinence (and remorse!). Many people who are habituated to alcohol function fine in their daily lives, including people you love and respect. But when alcohol becomes an important part of your daily life, or you have intentionally gotten drunk more than once, it’s time to take an honest look at your habit.

There is no medically accepted definition of the term “alcoholism.” To most people it means chronic drinking, binge drinking, or any use of alcohol that has significant social, personal, or health consequences.

Defining chronic alcohol use as a disease was a major step forward in public acceptance of new treatment methods. Previously alcohol abuse was viewed in moral terms, with heavy class overtones in how it was dealt with. Lower class drunks were thrown in jail; upper class people had “a drinking problem.” Heavy use of alcohol was a normal daily event in colonial times and during the early 19th Century. The rise of the Temperance movement in the late 19th Century led to the move for abolition and Prohibition (a colossal failure) early in the 20th Century; these movements were largely based on the premise that alcohol use was immoral. The Salvation Army represented mainstream thinking about alcohol abuse: treat it in the church basement. The rise of modern medicine, and the young field of psychology, changed the focus to the medical consequences of heavy use and the brain chemistry of substance abuse (still an emerging area of science).
Alcohol treatment and recovery groups.

If you are drinking daily, or get drunk intentionally every so often, you may decide that you have a problem with alcohol and want to seek help. Except for Moderation Management, all of the alcohol recovery groups believe that you should abstain from drinking, but they take very different approaches to how and why you should do so. Even MM believes that you should abstain for 30 days before trying to drink moderately.

The disease metaphor for alcohol use was combined with a strongly spiritual approach to treatment in Alcoholics Anonymous. The fact that AA was founded by a couple of upper middleclass white guys made it possible for people like them to admit to alcohol abuse. AA is the oldest, largest and best-known recovery organization, and despite the spiritual/religious basis it is heavily used in our legal system (this is periodically challenged as a violation of church and state). A DUI is likely to result in a sentence that includes mandatory AA meetings, and people aren’t likely to challenge that when jail time is the alternative. AA’s principles are that alcohol abuse is a disease that is invariably fatal, that abstinence is the only cure, that you admit that you are powerless over alcohol, you call upon a higher power for help in achieving abstinence, and that you regularly attend meetings to get the support you need. (3)

Newer recovery organizations reject the disease metaphor for alcohol use. Rational Recovery is a secular group with treatment based on cognitive behavioral science. (4) When the founders decided to make RR a for-profit business and changed the nature of the recommended treatment system, the board of directors resigned in protest and formed SMART Recovery. (5)

I have found SMART very useful. Both of these groups use a more scientific approach than AA. In effect, they help you persuade yourself to choose not to use drugs. Identifying the reasons that you choose drugs and avoiding the triggers that start abuse are the basis of these approaches. A big difference is that you—not a higher power, not a group—are responsible for your own recovery.
It is an interesting fact that the majority of people who quit abusing alcohol do so on their own, perhaps demonstrating that it really is a matter of personal motivation and choice. They may seek support from family and friends, but don’t join any particular organization—they decide to quit and “simply” stop drinking. George W. Bush is a good example: he says that he drank too much wine one night, as he had at times in the past, and that Laura Bush “gently” encouraged him to quit—so one day he did.

Statistically, most people “lapse” one or two times before quitting for good—but many don’t.
People who belong to recovery groups will often find it hard to believe that people can quit without a specific support group. Information on the effectiveness of the different groups is hard to come by (especially for AA, because it is anonymous and the evidence is anecdotal). Any recovery group can be effective for people who have acknowledged that they have a problem, are motivated to quit, can accept the basic principles of the organization, and anyone can benefit from the support provided by other members of a group if they choose to do so.

So why do people drink?
Every culture that has had the opportunity has fermented anything that would produce alcohol. There is clearly a strong animal impulse to ingest alcohol. The action of dopamine on the receptors in the brain, and the interplay of drugs and neurotransmitters, was only identified in the early 1960’s, so the chemistry of why we drink is still being discovered. (6) Most alcoholic drinks taste good, the buzz is fun, and they seem to enhance social situations because they relax the “worrying” part of the brain and loosen inhibitions. Everyone drinking (or sharing pot) together is a social bonding experience, and the non-user may be socially isolated. Our culture certainly encourages the use of alcohol!

That explains why we drink, but not why we get drunk. It certainly doesn’t explain why we continue to get drunk after we have embarrassed ourselves, made ourselves physically ill, or experienced a bad hangover! Why would you do that again, knowing the consequences? With some honest introspection we can identify the emotional reasons we drink to the point of being drunk, and the reasons vary.
Reducing stress, relaxing, not worrying, rewarding our selves after a hard day or arduous work, feeling mellow or sexy (hah!)–just look at booze ads and see what they’re selling! Most of all, they tell us that we “deserve” it—yes, sir, we’ve earned the right to pickle our brains! Just think of Bill Cosby’s classic skit on this subject.

SMART Recovery suggests that if you become aware of absolute words like need, should, must, etc., and replace them with more accurate words such as want, would like, would prefer, would enjoy—then it’s easier to abstain when you realize that what you perceived as a need is really a want. (7) A “need”, if it is truly a need, “must” be met. A preference can be avoided. There may be some discomfort, but it’s manageable. “What a day! I need a cold, tall one,” becomes “I’d sure enjoy a beer. Think I’ll go to the gym instead.”

Especially when you’re down, and your day seems to have gone badly, you can deflect the notion that you “need” a drink (or 2 or 3 or‰.) to somehow make you feel better. Then you can look the underlying beliefs: was the day really that bad? And is a depressant a good antidote to feeling depressed?

Heredity or environment, or somewhere in between?
Your family on both sides is a mix of heavy drinkers and abstainers, which does not bode well for you statistically! Your mother and I have both been heavy drinkers. Your grandparents on one side are habitual drinkers and on the other are/were abstinent. Nearly all of your aunts and uncles are habitual drinkers. One died of complications of alcohol abuse. As our counselor said, you’re hard-wired for drinking. But remember, you are not a statistic; you make choices.

All this means is that alcohol is all around you in your family, and that people you love and respect have made bad choices about it. You have seen the consequences. You have tried alcohol and other drugs, and you like how they make you feel. I urge you to recognize the likely consequences of developing an alcohol habit, and remember that you have both a genetic and environmental predisposition to alcohol abuse.

Like many people, I have found that abstinence is an easier commitment to make than moderation. It’s much easier to say, “I don’t drink” than to say “I only drink this much.”
I only chose abstinence when I was highly motivated to do so. We’ve made a promise to each other—I won’t drink, and you won’t drink or do drugs (ok, I won’t do drugs either, but I don’t have the opportunity anymore!). I appreciate how you’ve helped me keep that promise and make it easy to say, “I don’t drink.” Thanks for keeping your part of the bargain.

Your choices and your future.
You are at an important age. The habits you take on in your late teen years become deeply engrained by the time you are in your 20’s. Seeking a high can become an end in itself, and can crowd out other activities and interests.

You have friends that are choosing to use drugs regularly, and who may also be making poor life decisions about relationships and their futures. You can still like those people and care about them, but you probably can’t help them change the directions they are taking. You can certainly be there with facts and support if they talk about it, but they will only change when they are sufficiently motivated. After all, Grandma didn’t quit smoking until she got cancer, and even that wasn’t enough motivation for Grandpa. People don’t want to be saved, and they resent being told about their bad habits and behaviors.

Should you choose to use alcohol or drugs again, I won’t consider it a moral failing or the start of a progressive disease. It’s just a bad choice. We have a good relationship, so we will talk about why you made that choice, what beliefs and emotions it was based on, and how you plan to deal with it next time. A habit can be hard to break, but it can be done.

Your past does not have to predict your future; we both know that from experience! And if you get into a situation where you have used drugs or alcohol you know you can call me at any time of day or night to come get you. I’ll be sober, and your safety comes first. You won’t get a lecture…then.
Think back a year or two. I’m glad to see how well you are doing emotionally now. For that part of your stress that was caused by my alcohol abuse and bad behavior, I am very, very sorry. I know those are just words, but I have worked to make my behavior match the words. You kids wanted to see your parents healthy and sober, and we are. Our counselor told me to model contentment and happiness, and I am trying to do that for you. I am happy in my sobriety (and yours!) and you are a big part of why I chose it.

Now think ahead a year or more. If sometime in the future you are plagued by doubt, depression, or anxiety, and things seem hopeless, think back on this time in your life when you pulled yourself up, took care of yourself, and developed confidence, poise, and peace of mind. You helped me through a time of great emotional distress. How well would you have done any of that if you were stoned or drunk?

It really is easier to deal with sadness and distress with a clear mind. Sobriety doesn’t bring happiness, but it definitely makes it easier to achieve and recognize.
I am very proud of you, and love you very much. Let’s take care of ourselves.
Dad

Footnotes:

1 Here is a chart and some information about drinking and driving: http://www.california-drunkdriving.org/levels/
Note that you can get a DUI for blood-alcohol levels below 0.08% if your driving is impaired in the opinion of the officer.
Here is an online blood alcohol calculator: http://www.intox.com/wheel/drinkwheel.asp
Here are some odd facts about alcohol law: http://www2.potsdam.edu/alcohol-info/FunFacts/ItsTheLaw.html

2 Moderation Management, a self-control group, defines moderate use as follows: “For women: Do not drink more than 3 drinks on any day, and no more than 9 drinks per week. For men: Do not drink more than 4 drinks on any day, and no more than 14 drinks per week.” http://www.moderation.org/otherlim.html

3 AA asserts that their organization welcomes atheists and agnostics. Read the 12 steps of AA here: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/default/en_about_aa_sub.cfm?subpageid=17&pageid=24…and you can decide for yourself. You can also read We Agnostics in the book Alcoholics Anonymous (I have a copy).

4 “RR was founded in 1986 by Jack and Lois Trimpey in response to the lack of choice in the field of addictions. At the time, there was no choice other than the 12-step, spiritual healing program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Lack of choice in recovery styles is still a serious national problem, but RR has become well-known as a viable and widely available alternative to addiction.” http://www.rational.org/

5 SMART Recovery: http://www.smartrecovery.org/ Teaches self-reliance rather than reliance on a higher power Views addiction as a complex maladaptive behavior rather than as a disease. Encourages you to recover and move on with your life. Does not use the labels “alcoholic” or “addict.” Does not have a “sponsor” Holds meetings which are actual discussions rather than a series of monologues Evolves as scientific knowledge evolves

6 http://www.utexas.edu/research/asrec/drugs_m.html is just one web site with information on drugs and neurotransmitters. I have plenty more if you’re interested.

7 http://www.skysite.org/primer/exchange.html gives examples of absolute words and their alternatives.

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